昨日はわからない

Today or rather yesterday I was talking to Chris and since we're kinda in a weird place with our relationship right now....well nothing about our relationship is average or normal. We started out as friends he started dating my friend then while they were in a rough patch I inadvertently stole without even realizing it. Yes it's worse than it sounds I believed they weren't together anymore but in retrospect it still wasn't fair of me to that without telling or talking to Amanda about it.

Right now I'm not sure of anything, I feel certain things. However I don't know if I'm feeling them merely because I'm angry or if I feel the same if I was thinking clearly. Yesterday I asked Chris if we had to do anything for Valentine's day because I was unsure. He said "We're not together anymore so no." Looking back on it now it was so stupid to cry about it because it was true. I guess I knew we weren't together anymore but it didn't really hit me until then. When I told him I wanted to break up I felt nothing at all. No sadness, no anger and I wasn't upset. I wasn't anything I guess I took that moment to repress it or something.

I'm not sure what I should do now. I want to change who I am. I want to be a person that I can be proud of someone that I'd want to show off to the world. But when I'm around Chris; especially when I'm around Chris what's left of my confidence disappears. I become something else quiet, neurotic, sensitive to everything. I hate that , I hate that someone has such control over me and what's more is that he doesn't even realize it. He never would've noticed if I didn't tell him yesterday. What the hell do you do in that situation? I understand that in relationships one is supposed to care about what the other thinks to an extent but I don't get why I can't be who I usually am around him. And whenever he does something that hurts my feelings intentional or not I just clam up I can't say anything because I either don't believe it will do anything or I don't want to be that "needy" girl.

After our "conversation" and by that I mean random long spurts of silence and lines here and there on MSN I spent most the rest of my day saying in my head. "Ok, fine I don't need him. I don't want him, if this is what is going to happen then why bother. I'm totally fine by myself. I don't give a shit anymore he can go have all the bitches he wants from getting to level 80." But the whole time I was wondering if I felt that way only because I was angry and upset. It's not like he didn't apologize if he made me upset, but being me I lied about it because I didn't want him to know I was curled up in a ball hugging Domo-kun and crying my eyes out. lol I'm such a stupid girl.

Regular Day

Today was another day at school. Hanging out and having fun with my classmates before going to class. After clas was finished I literally ran to the bathroom because my stomach hurt lol. Then I started watching the live action version of Hell Girl. I think Enma Ai is so awesome she reminds me of Yankumi from Gokusen but with like a more malicious vibe than her because she actually kills people rather than Yankumi who just will just beat the crap out of you or some sense into you -^___^-.